ignoring the urge to self-erase to try to be "normal"

(or how being too big of an ace attorney fan indirectly helped me not die early!)

for a while now, i have been thinking a lot about how i often unconsciously try to erase parts of myself in situations. even though i try to avoid it now that i am conscious of it, sometimes i still erase the parts of me that i think other people wouldn't see as "normal" without thinking.

i'm not sure when i started this exactly. i remember the first time i told my mother about this awful pain i had in my head - i was curled up on the sofa one afternoon and my mother asked me what i was doing. after i told her, she told me not to make such a fuss over a headache, so i got up and tried to just get through the pain somehow. (i love my mother but i found it hard to talk to her about some topics when i was younger.)

now i know it was a migraine, but at the time i didn't have the words. all i knew was that i had expressed my pain to somebody important to me and they had told me to get over it. after that, i just kind of stopped talking about my pain to people, because i didn't think they would listen, and like that, i erased the pain i felt from the self i presented to people. even when i did bring it up, it felt like people either didn't know how to deal with it (i still remember finding the courage to tell a friend about how i was having a hard time only for them to change the subject to some activity they had done on the weekend) or just flat out were put off by it (doctors telling me not to make a fuss when i couldn't possibly be in as much pain as i said i was), so it was easier not to mention it at all.

i also never really liked sharing my hobbies or interests with other people because i found they were often dismissed, at least in person. i had a few friends who enjoyed the same so-called "geeky" stuff that i did, but i was too ashamed by past experiences to tell most people about it openly. it didn't seem worth the effort, so i had stock answers for when people asked me what shows i liked, what music i listened to...

and even what people i liked as such. i didn't know i was ace/aro as a kid, but as i got into my older teens, not having any interest in sex or romance was seen as increasingly odd, and my saying i didn't like anybody just got other people annoyed at me for lying/hiding/being standoffish (when i was just being honest). i ended up going on dates with people just because it was what seemed "normal" to do, plus i kind of thought that maybe i was just a (very very) late bloomer.

all of this ended up with me being somebody who tries to say whatever the other party expects me to say. i was so tired of having my sense of self invalidated that i did it to myself preemptively because i thought it would hurt less. if people didn't want to hear from me when i was being true to myself, then clearly my self was the issue, right?

that also ended up with me ignoring my own needs and boundaries, which sometimes put me in situations where people were cruel to me and i just never spoke up, because i felt like it was still easier... and even after speaking up, sometimes that just made people be more cruel. so what was the point?

but one of the few places i feel like i can be true to myself still is writing, and in my own games. the stuff i make is very much me but at the same time still separate from me, so i feel safer in that space somehow.

creating games is cathartic for me, & sharing these games has i think helped me feel more okay with not erasing the parts of me that i used to.

writing an ace/aro character helped me be more comfortable with being ace/aro myself & telling people about it too, especially after receiving so many comments from other people who told me how seeing a character like them had encouraged them. i can say this about all my games... thank you everyone who leaves me comments on itch & sends me emails/dms about them. i read everything there even if i don't always reply.

indulging in the fantasy settings & characters i create & seeing other people love them too made me feel less self-conscious about sharing my love of various fandoms openly... and actually, it was because i was making an ita bag for ace attorney (still in progress!) & injured my hand so badly i went to a local clinic which was honestly useless but then instigated me to finally try going to a more specialist clinic because i got injuries so easily, and at that specialist clinic i finally got diagnosed with a genetic disorder which is the cause of a lot of my health issues. no longer feeling like i had to hide my love of a series that has been so dear to my heart was what caused the injury that led to my diagnosis, & now i can get monitored to get elective surgery when i need it instead of suddenly having to be carted off for emergency surgery with a much higher risk of death... so you could say ace attorney has saved me from an early death! (though my hand is still in recovery...)

i also recently-ish made a game about getting diagnosed with a chronic illness to help me sort out my feelings, & it helped me finally accept that actually, i can't do all the things i think a "normal" person can. i have limits. if i push them, i only end up punishing myself. i don't need to let people who are cruel to me, consciously or unconsciously, cross my boundaries. i can say no to people who are treating me badly, & at the same time, i shouldn't hide my hurt from people who would want to help! overall, i need to give myself more leeway and be more ok with not being "normal".

people often say my games are unrealistic because everybody in them is too understanding & the world isn't that nice, but i think i actually just really wanted to live in a world where if i was as open with other people as the characters in my games, people would at least try to be understanding too. and in order for that, i have to stop self-erasing and at least let people have the chance to try to understand who i actually am. even if this sometimes results in me getting hurt, it's still better than me preemptively hurting myself.

in general i'm just trying to be more okay with just letting myself be myself! honestly a bit shy about posting this kind of thing still and i don't think i will get over this feeling any time soon, but i would rather be too earnest than erase who i am because i am afraid of how people will perceive me.

on that note i also want to be more open about appreciating the people who have been understanding when i am open with them too! i am so grateful to my friends who enjoy ace attorney with me, people who've given me advice on how to manage my illness, and everyone who has encouraged me as i make games.

anyway, with love to you all here is a photo of some aa merch i picked up recently 💙❤️